NIN
by Alli4
Summary: Its fun with blenders and sing along day at the Schwartz hideout


Title: NIN  
  
Author: Alli  
  
Type: Oneshot humor  
  
Spoilers: not really  
  
Warnings: Nine Inch Nails so slight language and there  
  
is a scene with a blender (scary)  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing blah blah blah please don't  
  
sue me  
  
Teaser: It fun with blenders and sing along day at the  
  
Schwartz hideout...  
  
  
  
It was a typical day in the Schwartz household. Nagi  
  
was typing away at his computer while Farf entertained  
  
himself with a new food processor and Crawford ignored  
  
everyone as he tried to read his paper. Schuldich was  
  
getting bored and that was almost never a good thing.  
  
"Crawford I'm bored." He whined as he slid his arms  
  
around his leader's neck. Crawford simply glared at  
  
the German until the offending hands were removed from  
  
his personal space. Schuldich realized that the  
  
American was not going to provide any immediate  
  
entertainment and stared over toward Nagi but Crawford  
  
stopped him.  
  
"Schuldich have you forgotten what happened the last  
  
time you bothered the boy?" Crawford asked in an  
  
emotionless voice. Schuldich frowned but stopped and  
  
turned back to the American.  
  
"Sure I remember. You spent an hour lecturing me on  
  
not destroying walls and stuff in the house when he  
  
was the one who threw me into it." Schuldich  
  
complained. Crawford hid a smile at the memory.  
  
Schuldich as usual had gone too far and the Japanese  
  
boy had thrown the German against a handy wall  
  
destroying shelves and the objects on them. It had  
  
been hilarious to see Schuldich buried under a pile of  
  
books and broken crystal.  
  
"Well you deserved it." Crawford replied. "Did not."  
  
Schuldich said and stuck out his tongue. Crawford  
  
resisted the urge to roll his eyes at this childish  
  
behavior.  
  
Schuldich turned back to the living room looking for  
  
something else to do. He spotted Farf breaking in the  
  
new blender they had just bought to replace the one  
  
the Irishman had broken. Evidently some blenders can't  
  
handle silverware. Schuldich smiled and headed off to  
  
join his psychotic teammate.  
  
They played together nicely for almost five whole  
  
minutes before disaster struck. Farf stuffed some  
  
overly ripe tomatoes into the blender and Schuldich  
  
wasn't quite fast enough with the top. Red pulp  
  
splashed over the counters and the two young men. A  
  
few drops made it as far as where Crawford had been  
  
sitting but the American had already moved to avoid it  
  
having foreseen this three minutes ago.  
  
"You're cleaning that up." Crawford announced without  
  
glancing up. Schuldich glanced at Farf who evidently  
  
hadn't noticed a thing and was still happily stuffing  
  
random objects into the blender. Schuldich sighed and  
  
grabbed some paper towel. A few minutes later the  
  
kitchen was once again clean and Schuldich had had his  
  
revenge. The book Crawford had recently been reading  
  
was now being joined in the blender by a few pieces of  
  
carrots and the extra paper towel. Schuldich smiled  
  
contentedly as Farf stuffed the last objects within  
  
reach into his new toy. He leaned back against the  
  
counter as Farf began to search for something else to  
  
add to grayish mixture.  
  
"No more Farf. I think we used everything." Schuldich  
  
said as he patted the Irishman's shoulder. Farf  
  
frowned and shook his head as he searched desperately  
  
for something new to blend. Schuldich smiled and shook  
  
his head.  
  
"I'd be more careful if I were you." Crawford spoke  
  
with his back to the redhead.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Schuldich asked but  
  
didn't have time to hear the answer as Farf grabbed  
  
him and tried to stuff his head into the blender.  
  
"I warned you." Crawford muttered as he stood and  
  
walked, very slowly, over to save the German. I mean  
  
sure it was a life or death situation but it was  
  
Schuldich after all so there was no real need to  
  
hurry.  
  
"Farf you may not stick people into the blender. If  
  
you do it will break and I won't buy another one."  
  
Crawford told the white-haired man. Farf frowned and  
  
stuffed the struggling German's head further into the  
  
blender. Crawford held up one finger. Farf changed  
  
tactics and pouted but some how his one eye and  
  
scarred face ruined the effect. Crawford raised a  
  
second finger. Farf reluctantly released his prisoner  
  
before the American reached the number three.  
  
Schuldich managed to pull his head out of the blender  
  
and pushed himself away from his psychotic teammate.  
  
"Damn it Farf." Schuldich muttered as he felt the  
  
small cut on his cheek the blender had left. Farf for  
  
his part glared at the American who had spoiled his  
  
fun.  
  
"Farf what do you say?" Crawford asked as he helped  
  
pull the redhead out of reach.  
  
"Please?" Farf guessed but Crawford shook his head.  
  
"If you can't be nice then you can't play with the  
  
blender." Schuldich stared at Crawford.  
  
"Nice? He nearly killed me!" the redhead exclaimed  
  
rubbing his stinging cheek. Crawford gave him a glance  
  
before returning his gaze to Farf.  
  
"I'm sorry." He finally muttered after Crawford  
  
silently counted to two again.  
  
"Good now go play with your knives." The American  
  
ordered. Farf stood quickly to find the newest  
  
addition to his collection of sharp objects. Crawford  
  
turned to stare at Schuldich who was trying to stick a  
  
Band-Aid onto the still bleeding cut.  
  
"I can't believe your just going to let him go. I mean  
  
he stuck my head in the freaking blender." The redhead  
  
complained. Crawford shrugged and took the Band-Aid  
  
from his teammate and placed it expertly on the cut.  
  
"It was mostly your fault. You were encouraging him  
  
and then you didn't pay attention. You know how  
  
dangerous Farf is. Why on earth would you play  
  
"blender" with him?" Crawford asked as he returned to  
  
his seat.  
  
"I was bored and thanks for all your concern. You're a  
  
real ass you know that?" Schuldich responded as he to  
  
returned to his previous window ledge seat.  
  
"There is one thing about that little incident that  
  
bothers me." Crawford admitted as he sipped from his  
  
coffee mug.  
  
"And what's that?" Schuldich asked absently as he  
  
stared out the window.  
  
"How on earth did he manage to fit your big head into  
  
that damn blender?" Crawford pondered.  
  
"Just shut up Crawford." The American chuckled and  
  
picked up his paper again.  
  
"If you're really that bored you can always scan some  
  
pedestrians for information we can use." Crawford  
  
offered before returning to his state of aloofness.  
  
Schuldich flicked him off but since he had nothing  
  
else to do he turned his attention to the passer-bys  
  
below. He started to scan their minds and found  
  
nothing interesting until he heard a faint song that  
  
caught his attention. Idly he began to tap out the  
  
beat on the window glass. Nagi who had only paused in  
  
his typing to watch the rather interesting events a  
  
few moment ago before continuing with his work glanced  
  
up again as he recognized the beat.  
  
"Alright Nine Inch Nails." He said and smiled as he to  
  
tapped out the rhythm. Farf glanced up from his corner  
  
and smiled.  
  
"Nine Inch Nails hurts God." He announce before  
  
standing to join the Japanese boy at his computer.  
  
Schuldich smiled but kept his eyes closed as he lost  
  
himself to the beat of the song. Crawford glanced up  
  
at his three teammates who had evidently gone insane.  
  
"Can't a person get a little peace and quiet around  
  
here?" he demanded. Schuldich smiled before singing  
  
the opening lines to the song he had heard.  
  
"I am the voice inside your head  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the lover in your bed  
  
And I control you."  
  
Crawford turned to glare at the German. "Do you mind?  
  
I'm trying to read my paper." Crawford tried again but  
  
Schuldich never even missed a beat.  
  
"I am the sex that you provide  
  
And I control you."  
  
Crawford rolled his eyes and tried to concentrate on  
  
his paper once more but was interrupted when Nagi  
  
joined the song.  
  
"I am the hate you try to hide  
  
And I control you."  
  
Nagi sang as Schuldich smiled and leapt from the  
  
window to join the boy at the computer.  
  
"Thank you that's quite enough." Crawford yelled but  
  
neither boy acknowledged him. Together they sang the  
  
chorus.  
  
"I take you where you want to go.  
  
I give you all you need to know.  
  
I drag you down I use you up.  
  
I am Mr. Self Destruct."  
  
The two were thoroughly enjoying themselves and  
  
thoroughly pissing off Crawford who was finding it  
  
impossible to concentrate on his paper. They were  
  
about to start a new verse when Farf cut them off.  
  
"I speak religion's message clear  
  
And I control you."  
  
There was a slight pause as everyone stared at the  
  
psychotic Irishman. All of them had heard Schuldich  
  
and Nagi sing before since the two enjoyed singing and  
  
loud music as well as annoying others but Farf singing  
  
was new. Of course he didn't have the clear voice that  
  
Nagi did or the rich tone that Schuldich had and he  
  
was a little off key but no one was about to criticize  
  
him. For his part Farf gave his teammates a predatory  
  
grin as they continued the song together.  
  
"I am denial guilt and fear  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the prayers of the naïve  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the lie that you believe  
  
And I control you."  
  
Nagi and Farf fell over laughing so it was up to  
  
Schuldich to sing the chorus. He smiled as he slid  
  
over toward Crawford who had slammed down his paper  
  
and was now glaring at the German who was fully  
  
enjoying his revenge.  
  
"I take you where you want to go.  
  
I give you all you need to know.  
  
I drag you down I use you up.  
  
I am Mr. Self Destruct."  
  
Schuldich sang into the American's ear. Crawford was  
  
looking more and more annoyed but didn't kill him,  
  
which was promising and far more then the German had  
  
been hoping for. Farf sang the opening line of the  
  
third verse solo.  
  
"I am the needle in your vein  
  
And I control you."  
  
Nagi picked up the next line.  
  
"I am the high you can't sustain  
  
And I control you."  
  
But now both Nagi and Farf had once again collapsed on  
  
the floor laughing and it was once more up to  
  
Schuldich to finish.  
  
"I am the pusher I'm a whore  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the need you have for more  
  
And I control you."  
  
Schuldich watched Crawford carefully and faltered as  
  
the American's face lost its pissed off look. Crawford  
  
shrugged and muttered quietly, "If you can't beat them  
  
join them." Everyone stared in shock as Crawford  
  
finished the rest of the song in perfect tone, pitch,  
  
and key.  
  
"I am the bullet in the gun  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the truth from which you run  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the silencing machine  
  
And I control you.  
  
I am the end of all your dreams  
  
And I control you.  
  
I take you where you want to go.  
  
I tell you all you need to know.  
  
I drag you down I us you up  
  
I am Mr. Self Destruct."  
  
The End. Comments are a must everyone. 


End file.
